When somebody passes away, its like their image is frozen in time. They are no longer a physical presence in your life but you don’t lose that familiarity with their spirit. So you have experiences like hearing something that makes you think about them and you catch yourself before you dial their number to talk to them about it. Or you have holiday dinner and its just not the same because there is a gaping void in the room.
Or you miss the fact that they were always the first to comment on the cute pictures of your kids you posted. That they always seemed to call you just when you needed them.
Then sometimes you feel guilty about the aspects of their wonderful existence that you took for granted.
Or you chuckle about the many ways in which they annoyed you.
Even the annoyances were part of that shared experience you had with them – and it is no longer there.
I wish I could say that the memories of my sister who passed away two years ago are what make me strong and keep me going. But that is only true some of the time. There are other times when I am just angry about the unfairness of it all.
Until two years ago, I did not have any concept of life without Phina. I do not remember the day she came home from the hospital with my mother – as far as I can remember, she was always a steady presence in my life.
Now things are a little destabilized. I still have goals, but they are just a little less optimistic and grand than they used to be.
I still freak out when I hear somebody I care about has an ailment that even closely resembles the one that took her from us.
I still miss her – and I’m glad I do.
I know that the right thing to say is that ‘life goes on’ – and it does.
But just for today which would have been her birthday …
… I feel frozen in time.